No matter what the addiction, there comes a time for every addict when the consequences are so intolerable and the pain so excruciating that the addict finally admits life is out of control. For sex addicts, this can be especially difficult. Sometimes we see it on the news, such as the pubic outrage when a congressman, minister, or professional icon is caught for some unacceptable sexual behavior. Many read the articles in the news, and make severe judgments about people who are with prostitutes, who are sexual with children, commit homosexual acts in public bathrooms, or have affairs. Others read these same articles, feeling a deep fear inside that they themselves will have the same exposure and have there sexual behavior brought out into the spot light.
Understanding sexual addiction can be difficult, and most will want to be quick to label and judge addicts as perverts, or hopeless scum. It has always been this way with all addictions, we are afraid of what we do not understand. But just like with other addictions, we come to see the reality, that these “addicts” are humans just like us. And who posses the same ability to change as any one else.
Sex addiction has also been a term used with sarcasm, or a badge of honor. For sex addicts, this is the farthest idea from there mind. For many addicts, this is a deeply shameful, secretive double life that is led. Addicts are tormented with obsessive thoughts and repeatedly guilt ridden behavior followed by vows “never to do it again”. Even as these vows are made, echoes of previous promises and resolutions ring loudly in the background. Some wish deeply never to be sexual again, thinking that that would cure there obsession. Sexual addiction has been described as athlete’s foot of the mind. It is always asking to be scratched, promising relief. But when itched it does not bring relief, only making the itch more intense.
What is sexual addiction? One way to understand sexual addiction is to compare it to other addictions. A common definition for alcohol or drug addiction is that a person has a pathological relationship with a mood altering chemical. This relationship becomes most important, over family, friends and work. Eventually this progresses to the point where the addict needs the chemical to feel normal from day to day. This sought after “normal” also brings with it loneliness and isolation until the user only feels adequate when using the drug or alcohol.
Sex addiction is very much like this example. The addict’s mood altering behavior (sex) becomes central to his life, isolating himself from healthy relationships and healthy behaviors. This isolation causes him to retreat farther and farther away from those closest to him (family, friends and work). Secrecy becomes more intense, and a false identity must be maintained. This double life is extremely shameful, compounding the negative emotional damage sex addiction causes.
There are several behavioral types of sexual addiction. We will describe eleven of them here. These behaviors vary in degree from person to person, but will give you a idea of how sex addiction manifests itself. They are as follows:
Fantasy: Fantasy sex involves obsessing or thinking about sexual adventures, spending large amounts of time in fantasy, slipping up on responsibilities or commitments because of living in fantasy, manipulating environment to be seductive or sexual to keep fantasy life going.
Seductive role sex: This behavioral type involves having many relationships at the same time or going from one to another, using seduction to get power over others, believing sex will give you power over other people, failing to make commitments or keeping schedule open in order to be available for sexual encounters, frequenting sex clubs, bars or health clubs with the intention of being sexual, using sex to feel good about ones self.
Anonymous: This behavior is simply engaging in sex with unknown or anonymous partners, frequenting beaches, parks, parking lots, bathrooms with the intent of being sexual.
Purchasing sex: This can include paying for sexual phone calls, using escort services, prostitution, massage parlors.
Voyeuristic sex: This behavior type involves using magazines or video, collecting pornography at home or work, frequenting adult book stores and strip shows, peeping through windows of apartments or houses, using telescopes to watch other people, and making non sexual magazines and publicity sexual.
Exhibitionist sex: Exhibitionism involves exposing self in public places, exposing self in your home or car, undressing in public, using clothing with the purpose of being exposed in public, frequenting nudist clubs to find sex partners.
Intrusive sex: This can best be describes as making inappropriate sexual advances, touching others without permission, telling sexual stories at inappropriate places or times, forcing sex on anyone including your partner.
There are several other behavior types, but this will give you an idea.
Recovery from sexual addiction can be very difficult, just like recovery from any other addiction. For any addict, there must come a point of surrender. A point when they realize that the problem they have is bigger than they can handle. For addicts, this is the hardest struggle, most believe that they are in control and capable of coping. This keeps the addiction alive, as this belief is deeply ingrained in any addicted person. Some will need an inpatient rehabilitation center to jump start there recovery, and learn the essential tools necessary for long term recovery. Some it will take involvement in sex addicts anonymous or other 12 step groups. Psychotherapy is often used to help the addict become aware of his more glaring defects. For most, a combination of the three is most effective.
It is important to remember that addicts are highly competent and genuinely good people. These are people with an illness who need treatment. Many may be family members of yours, who struggle silently. In any case, help is available for these people. Recovery is possible and addiction can be treated.
To learn more about sexual addiction, I recomend reading “out of the shadows” By Patrick Carnes and “Don’t call it love” by Patrick Carnes.
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